A REFRESHINGLY HONEST PRESS RELEASE TEMPLATE FOR ANY SUPER BRAND THAT WANTS A LARGE PIECE OF VIETNAM’S MARKET STARTING WITH EVERYONE AND EVERYONE’S MOTHER IN HO CHI MINH CITY
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HO CHI MINH CITY, Vietnam [INSERT DATE] — [NAME OF SUPER BRAND] today opened the doors to its first headscratchingly-large flagship store in Vietnam, where, if you think about it, every single member of the population is a potential customer, according to market researchers, who were paid handsomely to come up with a highly optimistic overview.
Thousands of people (90% of whom were just stuck in traffic) in downtown Ho Chi Minh City watched as minor celebrities joined heads of [NAME OF SUPER BRAND] outside the flagship store, which has been designed to reflect the deep-deep-deep understanding of [NAME OF SUPER BRAND] for Vietnam — something which would have been largely overlooked by everyone, but thankfully someone was on hand to distribute media kits.
“We have been here for all of three minutes, but thanks to the work of a branding agency we hired to make us look super savvy, we are very much attuned to this city’s rich heritage, distinctive local traditions and unique culture, all of which you can see has been incorporated in the design, I mean, if you read the media pack, you’ll see it, otherwise you probably wouldn’t notice,” said [INSERT NAME OF SUPER BRAND SPOKESPERSON].
Modestly nestled on a massive block of land in the aspirational [read: some of the most expensive real estate in planet earth meaning literally no business could possibly make a profit even if they’re here for a century] neighbourhood of Ho Chi Minh City’s District 1, the building symbolises the globally iconic brand’s extremely hopeful bid to win the hearts and e-wallets of the Vietnamese people, all 92 million of them.
“We couldn’t not notice how rich Vietnam has been getting in recent years, and how other brands have beaten us here and been cleaning up, so we are proud to be beginning a meaningful brand journey. It’s a very special thought to think how — for the first time in HISTORY — money can now travel from Vietnamese consumers pockets into our limitless coffers,” said [NAME OF PRESIDENT OF SUPER BRAND]. “In the next five years, we have promised our investment board a pretty ludicrous growth target. We basically spitballed some numbers in the Park Hyatt bar and realised we are going to have to open 55,000 outlets through the country in the next five years. As a fictional film character once nearly said about a phantasmic if not allegorical business plan that he’d just had: If you build it, they will come…. in our case, millions of them hopefully, unless there’s a global turndown, in which case, let’s face it, we’re all fucked.”